It Always Sounds Better Than It Is

Sometimes it's hard to come up with titles for these updates and so I wait until I've finished before I settle on one.  For this post, the first sentence I typed was the title.

I'm holding Clara and I'm looking out the window to the front yard that is wildly getting out of control.  Wildly.  As if being out of control isn't wild enough.  We had a storm the other night that took down huge parts of our beautiful front yard tree; the tree that is the centerpiece of the yard and gives the house a finished and balanced appearance.  The tree is now out of balance.  But this post isn't about balance or landscaping or storms.

I'm holding Clara and Lxkas is playing or watching tv or digging silverware out of the silverware drawer. Who knows. That little man is always busy doing something and it's usually what he shouldn't be doing.  Not only is there a tree laying on the front lawn, but the flower bed that Cxdy had cleared out a couple of months ago is becoming overgrown with weeds.  I remember back to when I said:  "I don't need the best yard in the neighborhood, but I don't want the worst."  I think we have one of the worst.

And I'm holding Clara, because if I put her down she will fuss and work up into a huge cry.  The yard is calling me, but I have created my own prison. It's a baby prison.  Natural law states I cannot go straighten a mosquito-ridden, overgrown lawn in 100 degree F weather leaving two babies unattended.  I hope you are up to date on your natural laws.

Do you remember two posts back when I was ecstatic about staying home with my little lovies?  It was the best day on earth.  Streamers were falling from the sky.  I think I may have left that part out, but it happened.  It was a glorious event, that realization.

And now, it is soaking into the brain, penetrating this thick skull of mine and soaking deeper and deeper.

It's real.

What do I do with myself?  And them?  I'm in lock-down.  How do you have fun in lock-down?  I have to reinvent the wheel because I wasn't planning on this.

Realistically, I've been doing this for 6 months already, but always with the intention of going back to work and actively seeking employment for the last couple of months.  Now, I need to figure things out because I can't continue this on the same course.  There has got to be more.

I know how to be a mom--trust me.  I've done this.  I have a 22 year old (on Saturday he's 22).  He made it.  He survived my momness.  I've just never been a stay-at-home mom.  Those women were always a strange breed to me.  Now?  I have to learn to be one of them.

I forgot to mention in that post a couple of updates back that Cxdy had also taken a part-time job.  We wouldn't be able to play this gig if he hadn't.  I think that's part of the reason this is sinking in hard and fast.  Every night this week he has left for his regular job at 6:30 am and returned from his part-time job at 10:15 pm (orientation week;  it won't always be like this).  I've not had a break.  I realize now how big of a help that man is!

I can't become one of those super moms that blogs all the time because my little demons... err... angels won't allow it.  I can't become Suzy-expert-homemaker because I only have one arm (the baby would have to surgically be removed) and we can't take day trips to museums and kiddy parks (wouldn't that be nice?) because we have declared ourselves poor.

Painting?  Out.  Babies don't allow that one either.

Eh, I'll figure out something.  I usually do.

So, crafts, anyone?