I like my life to be smooth and quiet, free of drama. When I think of women who need the assistance of abuse programs, and realizing I am stereotyping when I do this, I think of women who are weak, have a habit of making bad decisions and are probably not well educated. So, when I was required to make a trip downtown today to file an emergency protective order, and I had to do this at a family safety organization, I felt a bit humiliated. I had no choice but to swallow my pride.
The entrance to organization, as you would expect, was monitored by security. I had to have a bag check and a wand scan (I'm not sure what that is called). I had to check-in and then I was assigned an advocate as my children were assigned to the playroom. My advocate directed me to a cubicle and as we made our way there we passed other women who were visiting with their advocates. It looked like a busy morning.
I was disappointed to learn I would have to return that afternoon to see the judge. I knew I had to do this, but it couldn't be over with soon enough.
After running errands and eating lunch, the babies and I returned. A small group of the violated were led to our private court. It didn't look like a courtroom. It was a small, dark room with grey cinder block walls and about 10 office chairs facing a large computer monitor perched upon a pedestal.
The process was explained to us by one of the clerks. We were going to skype with the judge from her courtroom at the courthouse in the next building. The clerk gave the floor to a chaplain who talked about free counseling and services that were available to us. If we needed anything, or just to talk, we could find her after the session. Then she picked up a basket and asked each of us to take a hope blossom, and if we had children to grab one for them. They were hand knitted or knotted flowers created by retired volunteers and were a symbol that we were not alone, that people cared and help was available.
I loved the idea of this and picked up one for me and one for Sky, and then later I asked if I could have one for each of the babies, too. To me these symbolize a new beginning and that each of us will be stronger for what we are experiencing.
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| These are our hope blossoms. The duck is a toy given to Clara by the child care worker and is made by the same group of retired volunteers. I guess it is a hope duck. :) |
Then the judge came online. I wasn't surprised when our screen froze while the judge was speaking, and then we lost sound. The city's technology is no better than that we have in our homes.
There were three cases. As she called the first one I learned details of this young woman's experience that I would rather not have known. Again, I felt shame that others would hear the details of my case. Fortunately, during my time in the "captain's chair", as they called it, she didn't let the details slip. As she granted my order for me and the three children she simply said, "I'm sorry you went through this."
I will see her again in a couple of weeks to decide what action, if any, to take next.
When we returned to the "safe center" we were welcomed back with snacks and beverages as we waited for the paper copies of our orders. The chaplain visited with each of us to see if we had any needs, and stressed the importance of seeking counseling, which we are already in process of through another organization.
Once the orders arrived, I went to pick up the children in the next room. We received parting gifts. The worker let Clara and Lxkas each have a toy, or two, and also gave each a blanket, again made with care by the organization that made the blossoms, and the duck.
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| This one is for Lxkas. It still has a tag that says it was made by Gloria. Thank you, Gloria. It will keep him secure through his toddler years. Thank you for caring about people you will never meet. |
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| Clara's blanket didn't have a tag with a name, but the work on both is beautiful, and I am appreciative of the person who made this one as well. |
Dear Kel,
I have been following (or rather, stalking) your blog since Clara was born. I found it when I was looking for blogs of mothers who have children with Down Syndrome, because I was then diagnosed to have a baby who was likely to have Trisomy 21. I thought, Clara would be 5 months older than my baby. Perhaps I will be better prepared for what's to come should I follow the events of your blog.
Well, my baby Gabriel was born at the end of June, but unfortunately it turned out that he had Trisomy 18 instead of 21, which reduced his chances of survival significantly. He lived for five days, and went to Jesus at the beginning of July. We are thankful nonetheless, to have a chance to meet him, cuddle him, and love him. That's waaaaay better than a stillbirth, which was what the doctors were preparing us for.
Gabriel is gone now, but he lives on in our hearts. I decided to continue to follow your blog anyway, just to see how you're doing with Clara. I'm glad to see her looking happy and healthy.
But the last two entries of your blog saddened me greatly, and I'd like to say I'm sorry. I live about halfway across the world from you, so though I'd like to help in some way, I can't think of anything except to pray for you and let you know (here) that I am reading your blog and sharing (a tiny bit) your hurt and pain.
Take good care, and stay strong!
Diana
Diana,
Thank you for the very touching comment. I am very sorry for your loss, and I'm glad you had those five days with him. I also lost a baby boy 23 years ago. He lived 2 days. He didn't have a chromosomal abnormality, but he had a serious heart defect, undetected prior to his birth. The pain will always be there, but like you, I will always treasure that short time I had with him.
Regarding my current situation, it's been a difficult time for us, and I even debated whether to write about it in this blog because it is such a happy place ( most of the time) to share Clara. But at the same time, I want to be real and I want to be honest.
Nobody was beaten or physically harmed. It was more psychological. I don't want this to come up in weird search results, so I have to be careful of how I phrase this. I caught him in the hallway with his phone positioned level with the crack of the bathroom door. He was recording my oldest daughter (she's 16) as she was preparing to shower. He admitted it in counseling which I'm thankful for, because it makes it easier to protect the little ones when custody is discussed before a judge--or at least that is my hope.
I haven't told anyone about this aside from my parents and my sister. His family knows, I believe. And now anyone reading this blog knows. It's embarrassing that I chose such a poor partner, and I'm not proud of the fact that I have another failed relationship and am single parenting. Again. I thought I had found my forever partner, and as you can imagine, I was so shocked when this happened. It has me questioning other things about who he really is.
But thank you for letting me know you're here, reading. It helps to know someone is listening. It really does.
We will be okay and can move forward from this. We just have to redesign the future.
Oh, and please, comment more often. I would like to know more about you!
Hi,
Thanks for replying! :)
And thanks for sharing such private details with me. If you'd like to, you can delete that comment now (I hope that is possible?), so that no one else can read it here.
I don't know how to comfort you; I can only imagine your pain but am heartened by your positive spirit. I'm also sorry about your baby boy 23 years ago. Was he your firstborn? Gabriel was our firstborn, and perhaps our only child.
I don't have a blog of my own to share with you (I tried to start one with news of Gabriel, but gave up very quickly), but if you'd like to, we can move on to emails -- I can't promise to comment more often on your blog ;) It does unnerve me a little to share information on a public domain.
Have a good day!