I like my life to be smooth and quiet, free of drama.  When I think of women who need the assistance of abuse programs, and realizing I am stereotyping when I do this, I think of women who are weak, have a habit of making bad decisions and are probably not well educated.  So, when I was required to make a trip downtown today to file an emergency protective order, and I had to do this at a family safety organization, I felt a bit humiliated.  I had no choice but to swallow my pride.

The entrance to organization, as you would expect, was monitored by security.  I had to have a bag check and a wand scan (I'm not sure what that is called). I had to check-in and then I was assigned an advocate as my children were assigned to the playroom.  My advocate directed me to a cubicle and as we made our way there we passed other women who were visiting with their advocates.  It looked like a busy morning.

I was disappointed to learn I would have to return that afternoon to see the judge. I knew I had to do this, but it couldn't be over with soon enough.

After running errands and eating lunch, the babies and I returned.  A small group of the violated were led to our private court.  It didn't look like a courtroom.  It was a small, dark room with grey cinder block walls and about 10 office chairs facing a large computer monitor perched upon a pedestal.

The process was explained to us by one of the clerks.  We were going to skype with the judge from her courtroom at the courthouse in the next building.  The clerk gave the floor to a chaplain who talked about free counseling and services that were available to us.  If we needed anything, or just to talk, we could find her after the session.  Then she picked up a basket and asked each of us to take a hope blossom, and if we had children to grab one for them.  They were hand knitted or knotted flowers created by retired volunteers and were a symbol that we were not alone, that people cared and help was available.

I loved the idea of this and picked up one for me and one for Sky, and then later I asked if I could have one for each of the babies, too.  To me these symbolize a new beginning and that each of us will be stronger for what we are experiencing.

These are our hope blossoms.  The duck is a toy given to Clara by the child care worker and is made by the same group of retired volunteers.  I guess it is a hope duck. :)

Then the judge came online.  I wasn't surprised when our screen froze while the judge was speaking, and then we lost sound.  The city's technology is no better than that we have in our homes.

There were three cases.  As she called the first one I learned details of this young woman's experience that I would rather not have known.  Again, I felt shame that others would hear the details of my case.  Fortunately, during my time in the "captain's chair", as they called it, she didn't let the details slip.  As she granted my order for me and the three children she simply said, "I'm sorry you went through this."

I will see her again in a couple of weeks to decide what action, if any, to take next.

When we returned to the "safe center" we were welcomed back with snacks and beverages as we waited for the paper copies of our orders.  The chaplain visited with each of us to see if we had any needs, and stressed the importance of seeking counseling, which we are already in process of through another organization.

Once the orders arrived, I went to pick up the children in the next room.  We received parting gifts.  The worker let Clara and Lxkas each have a toy, or two, and also gave each a blanket, again made with care by the organization that made the blossoms, and the duck.

This one is for Lxkas.  It still has a tag that says it was made by Gloria.  Thank you, Gloria.  It will keep him secure through his toddler years.  Thank you for caring about people you will never meet.  

Clara's blanket didn't have a tag with a name, but the work on both is beautiful, and I am appreciative of the person who made this one as well.  

Our reasons for seeking the order are ugly, but the process through which we went to accomplish the task was made pleasant by a wonderful organization.  Abuse does not discriminate.  We are not alone.  There are people that care, and help is available.  Hope blossoms.

I had opened the front door to see if my sister had arrived yet to pick up her cat which I had been sitting since the previous day.  She was wary that apartment inspectors might find the little beast and require the pet deposit that makes cat ownership a costly pleasure.   I didn't spot her or her children but I was lured out by the mixture of humidity and cool air that had arrived with the evening dusk.  Baby Clara was in my arms and Lxkas followed.

Seated in a lawn chair I had purchased years ago after my split from Skylxr's father, Clara and I enjoyed the instability in the air while Lxkas asked questions about trees, grass, dark and night.   As he explored the little world close to us my mind wandered.  I never sat outside anymore.  It was a nightly habit of mine before I stopped smoking.  I would come out, enjoy a cherry flavored cigar and ponder life.  Something about sitting outside watching the world causes ponderation--the act of pondering (my word).  Maybe I need to sit outside more often, because it is calming and it brings clarity.

Experiencing the change of the seasons, and particularly evenings like this one, remind me of being young.  I can feel the night air of years past when friends and I strolled the entire perimeter of the football stadium, wading through strangers, a foreign band, the glare of the field lights and the excitement of the home team, hoping to cross paths with familiar faces, which were inevitably always found.

I remember with autumn came the smell of leather jackets worn by boys who thought they were men, and I remember going to bed with achy legs from spending too much time in the cool night air.  And autumn always reminds me of trick or treating, year after year, in the cold, in the rain, laughing and running with candy as our sacks would begin to bust from the weight of all the sweet treats.

And then on the heels of the season, winter swooshes in to wipe it all away.  Gone are the shorts, the tans, the leaves, the insects and the flowers.  Change arrives and no matter how badly we want to hold on to the previous season nothing can stop it.

My life is filled with change.  I hadn't sat in this lawn chair and enjoyed this front yard view since Cxdy had moved in.  And here I was, sitting in this chair enjoying the slower pace and he is gone.  Everything I thought he and I shared has been wiped away, and we can't get it back.  Our relationship hit winter and died out fast.

It's not really anything I can write about just yet, if ever, but I'm sure if he could rewind time he would have made better decision.  I can say that I'm hurting and I'm sure he is hurting.  Skylxr is hurt. The whole family hurts, but what has been done cannot be erased.  And the hurt has many dimensions.  This is one of the worst kinds of hurt.

Whatever happens, I know I will be fine. The seasons of my life will continue, and I will have new experiences and moments to treasure.  How can I not?  I have two little ones to make sure it happens.  I can look forward, and I can see through my pain.  There will be no pity parties here.  Not today.

Onward we go.

I see that I have neglected this blog for the month of October thus far, but with good reason.  As of late, I have found a couple of things to keep me busy.

First, I volunteered my soul (unintentionally) to a political campaign for a tribal council candidate.  His team squeezed every bit of free time out of me they could muster.  I made phone calls on behalf of our hero candidate to announce upcoming meet and greets, remind fellow citizens to vote, question them about who they supported and ask if they would mind us putting his sign in their yard.  On most calls I was met with the question:  "When is the election?"  And the statement:  "I don't know much about any of the candidates yet."  I'm thinking these people need to get with it, because we're only days away from election!

I admit, after a few days of seeing how hard hero candidate's team was going to push me I resisted a bit, but out of guilt my relenting weakened and I was back in the game in time for polling day, in which our hero candidate--lost.  However, my name remains fresh in the minds of a few tribal citizens should they come across employment in which they might think:  "I know the perfect candidate for this job!"  That would be yours truly, by the way.

And while all this was going on, I found inspiration.  The Buddy Walk was coming up, and I'd never participated in or even heard of the Buddy Walk until this year.  I didn't know what to expect.  I was going to get a few family members to walk with us and figured we would go easy and check it out our first year.  Luck walked up behind me and smacked me in the (what sounds good to smack?) when a certain public relations employee of a certain tribe asked if we needed a sponsor for our Clara.  Yes! yes! YES!  Suddenly, we found ourselves in a competition to build a strong team and raise the most money, because you know, it's good for the Down Syndrome Association AND we could win prizes!

I found two more big sponsors before the event, and the support of more family and friends than I knew cared.  It turns out a lot of people care, and a lot of people love.  Clara is loved and I am in disbelief.  And when a team of supporters gathered around me as I pushed my babies in their stroller, I felt my eyes fill with tears.  This meant something.  It was just a very special day and it reminded me that whatever obstacles we have to overcome in the future we will not be alone, and we have pictures to prove it.  Fortunately, I was wearing sunglasses.

We didn't win the most money, and we didn't have the biggest team, but we had a very strong showing.  Our team was able to present $4295 to the Association which is nothing to balk at.  Either fortunately or unfortunately (for them or for me) I feel compelled to beat that number next year.

And while all that was going on, I was also asked if I was interested in serving on the board of our local Down Syndrome Association chapter.  They presented it to me like, "I don't know if you're interested or not.." and I stopped the conversation right there and exclaimed, "I WOULD LOVE IT!"

October has been a good month.  It was exactly a year ago in October when my doctor first dropped me a strong hint that Clara would be born with Down syndrome.  I'll never forget the devastation I felt because it is such a juxtaposition to what the reality of the situation is--which is, I am so in love with this little girl.  Label her what you want, she's just beautiful.

Taken earlier today.

Picture day for the DSAT calendar, last week.

Some of our team members walking for Clara.

Front of our tee shirt.

Back of our tee shirt.