Autumn falls

I had opened the front door to see if my sister had arrived yet to pick up her cat which I had been sitting since the previous day.  She was wary that apartment inspectors might find the little beast and require the pet deposit that makes cat ownership a costly pleasure.   I didn't spot her or her children but I was lured out by the mixture of humidity and cool air that had arrived with the evening dusk.  Baby Clara was in my arms and Lxkas followed.

Seated in a lawn chair I had purchased years ago after my split from Skylxr's father, Clara and I enjoyed the instability in the air while Lxkas asked questions about trees, grass, dark and night.   As he explored the little world close to us my mind wandered.  I never sat outside anymore.  It was a nightly habit of mine before I stopped smoking.  I would come out, enjoy a cherry flavored cigar and ponder life.  Something about sitting outside watching the world causes ponderation--the act of pondering (my word).  Maybe I need to sit outside more often, because it is calming and it brings clarity.

Experiencing the change of the seasons, and particularly evenings like this one, remind me of being young.  I can feel the night air of years past when friends and I strolled the entire perimeter of the football stadium, wading through strangers, a foreign band, the glare of the field lights and the excitement of the home team, hoping to cross paths with familiar faces, which were inevitably always found.

I remember with autumn came the smell of leather jackets worn by boys who thought they were men, and I remember going to bed with achy legs from spending too much time in the cool night air.  And autumn always reminds me of trick or treating, year after year, in the cold, in the rain, laughing and running with candy as our sacks would begin to bust from the weight of all the sweet treats.

And then on the heels of the season, winter swooshes in to wipe it all away.  Gone are the shorts, the tans, the leaves, the insects and the flowers.  Change arrives and no matter how badly we want to hold on to the previous season nothing can stop it.

My life is filled with change.  I hadn't sat in this lawn chair and enjoyed this front yard view since Cxdy had moved in.  And here I was, sitting in this chair enjoying the slower pace and he is gone.  Everything I thought he and I shared has been wiped away, and we can't get it back.  Our relationship hit winter and died out fast.

It's not really anything I can write about just yet, if ever, but I'm sure if he could rewind time he would have made better decision.  I can say that I'm hurting and I'm sure he is hurting.  Skylxr is hurt. The whole family hurts, but what has been done cannot be erased.  And the hurt has many dimensions.  This is one of the worst kinds of hurt.

Whatever happens, I know I will be fine. The seasons of my life will continue, and I will have new experiences and moments to treasure.  How can I not?  I have two little ones to make sure it happens.  I can look forward, and I can see through my pain.  There will be no pity parties here.  Not today.

Onward we go.