That's me in the corner

Parenting, especially single parenting, will always bring challenges.  Just today I needed to take a bathroom break but Clara wouldn't let me put her down without wailing, snotting and releasing the flood gates.  As Lxkas did when he was smaller, she joined me during this most private of private times.

But at the same time I learn a lot through parenting.  It brings me tons of happiness and I've strengthened my ability to be patient.  If you are an inpatient person, spend an hour with a two-year-old.

But most recently, through my children I am finding my way back to God.  That might seem like an odd statement, but let me explain.

Had I not had Clara come into my world, I would still be working a job I had disliked for many years but that brought me lots of financial stability.  Upon learning about Clara's extra chromosome I made a tough and risky decision to leave that position, knowing I would never go back.

Because of recent events I discovered a new career in social work, and it was at that job recently I was talking with a co-worker about church.  I can't remember what led us to this conversation, but I made the careless statement that I couldn't afford to attend church, a reference to the expected tithing and pretentious members.

She quickly set out to set me straight.  She began by explaining that I would be welcomed with love into her church because of my situation (I'm basically poor); that I was one of the fortunate ones who would automatically be welcomed into His kingdom.  Over the course of several minutes I listened to her intently.  I was seated and she was standing in my cubicle staring over me as she spoke.  In her pink shirt contrasting with her dark skin she had become soft and angelic.  I had never noticed before, but she was, at that moment, the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.  She spoke about her relationship with God, and how she set aside extra minutes every morning to spend time with him.  She had no money, but somehow after bringing God into her life she had never done without.

Her witness to me was unexpectedly chilling and haunted me the following days.  It was the following week, at the local Down Syndrome Association Christmas party that I found myself witnessing another witness.

I arrived late and nearly all the tables were full.  I found a spot for Lxkas and I with another family that I had met at prior meetings.  It was a bit chaotic as it was just attempting to wrangle two babes.  One of the catering associates, a server, I think, walked up to our table and asked if she could hold Clara.  I allowed it because it helped with the moment.

She was young, maybe a mere 20 years old.  She was thinking about going to college.  I was surprised when she began opening up to me about how this night had changed her life.  She had recently found her way back to God after battling addiction.  She had been seeking a career path and now believed working with children with disabilities was God was calling on her to do.  She looked at Clara and kept talking about how beautiful she was and she wanted to be a part of this.  I was almost in tears before Lxkas interrupted telling me he needed to go potty.  I was touched by her story but thankful to my rotten for saving me from tears.

And then it was that rotten that made it all finally sink in.  It was the weekend and I was cleaning, or doing some home chore.  I can't remember, but I was busy and I had walked into the kitchen when I heard Lxkas behind me saying, "God is great, God is good."  I turned around and looked at him.  His eyes were closed and his hands were clasped in prayer in front of his face.  "What the...?" I thought.  And then he finished, "and now we eat our food.  Amen."  I was a bit relieved to realize that this was a prayer he had learned at daycare, rather than that God had somehow possessed him, but with the two previous witnesses and now this in a matter of two weeks, it was apparent.  God was calling me back.

A couple of days ago my sister told me her New Years resolution and asked me for mine.  I never make resolutions, and I told her.  But then I realized that actually I did have one.  I said, "Wait.  Actually, I do have one.  This year I'm bringing God back into my life."

I don't know what my future relationship with Him looks like, exactly, but I know what I don't want it to look like.  I don't want to be one of those who is looking to condemn everyone who isn't worshiping Him the way I think they should worship Him.  I don't want to tell people what they need to do to go to heaven.  I don't want to be part of an exclusive "We're going to heaven and you're not" club.  I believe in the love that Jesus taught.  In the end, only God can decide who is good enough.

And wow.  I sound like I believe.  I think I'm preparing to believe?  I've been agnostic for at least 6 years.  I want to believe.  I need God in my life, because without Him I am alone.

I've been investigating churches online.  I think I found an inclusive one but it's 8 miles away from me.  But 8 miles is not that far to find fulfillment with people who might be similar in their beliefs as me.  

I wanted to make today my first Sunday, but snow, ice and unbearably cold temperatures had me deciding last minute this morning to stay in.  I will visit next Sunday.  This is a year for positive change.

Oh, and the investigator sent me an email on Friday.  The DA's office now has our case.  We should know soon whether or not they are going to prosecute.