Tonight my counselor suggested that I seemed to be doing great.  I had just finished telling her how busy I've been, that I love my temp job but now have permanent employment (starting the 16th) and that we'd had a wonderful Christmas.  She basically asked if I was ready to end our sessions.  I think she saw my immediate panic!

While I may appear to be doing great, and I probably actually am compared to most in similar situations, just talking with her helps me to sort and organize my thoughts.  Through the chaos of my every day I don't really take time to do that, and when I talk things out to her I realize why certain things are, how certain things came to be, and steps I still need to take.

Perhaps I'm not using our sessions for what traditional counseling is intended to be used for, but she isn't going to get rid of me that easily.

And by talking to her tonight, and verbally organizing my thoughts, I realized the importance of writing an email to the D.A., something that I keep pushing to the back burner.  But this email is important because this man basically influences our future.

I put aside an hour tonight (at the dismay of my favorite 2-year-old) and carefully advocated for my children.  Here it is:

Dear Mr. XXXXXX,

I am writing you regarding a matter important to my family, and from what I've read on your website biography is important to you as well being that it regards the protection of children.  

I believe Detective XXXXXXXXX will be turning in a packet to you if she has not done so already.  That packet contains information regarding a crime against my 16-year-old daughter, Sxylar (case 2013-xxxxxx).  Last September  I caught her stepdad, Cxdy XXXXXXXX, recording video onto his phone of her from under the bathroom door while she was getting in the shower.  I'll forgo the details since you will find those in Detective XXXXXXXXX'X report.

I'm certain you receive reports similar to this every day and I'm sure there are many that are much worse.  But, what makes this story different is that in counseling he admitted what he did.  There is a confession.  There are a couple of reasons he confessed, but I can guarantee none of them involve being a man of good moral character.

Of course I want him prosecuted so that Sxylar sees there is justice for the violation against her, but there is also a need for him to be prosecuted because we share two young children of which the youngest, XXXXX, has Down syndrome.  While Sxylar has every right to never see Cxdy again, his children will always have him in their lives.  

As the District Attorney I'm sure you've seen the statistics of sexual abuse against females with disabilities.  I just read that the incident rate is reported to be as high as 150% of that of females without disabilities and it is estimated that only 20% of those incidents are ever reported. 

Right now a protective order is in place while the investigation is ongoing.  Once that protective order is gone, and if there is no prosecution, I fear for XXXXX's future.  He was willing to violate his stepdaughter because he calculated an opportunity to do so and I can't take it for granted that he would have any more respect for his own daughter.  

I believe God intervened the night I caught Cxdy, as he was very sneaky, never guessing that I would unsuspectingly come down the hallway in the dark and without shoes to make a sound. The odds were against me ever finding out. It would be naive to believe this was the very first incident or that he has the self control to stop on his own.  

If he is prosecuted it gives us the tools to make sure he never has unsupervised visitation with XXXXX, and it protects future victims if he is a registered sex offender. 

Please remember my daughters Sxylar and XXXXX, and even my young son XXXXX when this case comes to your desk.  What would you want for your daughters or granddaughters?  

Thank you for taking the time to read my plea and I will keep you in my prayers.

Sincerely,

XXXXXX X XXXX

down syndrome is okay

I originally started this blog as a place to release the pain I was dealing with upon learning Clara, still in utero, had Down syndrome.  As I learned about Ds I became more and more comfortable with it.  When she was born I absolutely and unconditionally loved her but wished I could still take that extra chromosome away from her.

Today, just under two months shy of her first birthday, I wouldn't change who my little girl is for the world.  I love her as she is.  I now believe, contrary to what I was saying a year ago, that this is who she was meant to be.

I see other parents in such a rush to get their kids caught up with typical children and it makes me feel guilty that I am so accepting of Clara as she is.  I question my parenting.  Should I be pushing her harder?  Am I at fault if she isn't meeting typical milestones?  I don't know what the right answer is.  I want her to be happy, and I guarantee she is getting unlimited amounts of love from a mommy who is damn proud.

bath time

There are times I find myself trying to seer a moment into my mind, as if to tuck it away so I can retrieve it in my later years when I need a happy memory.  Or maybe it's for if I go to heaven, I want to remember the beautiful things I experienced here on earth.

One of those moments was tonight.

The babies always bathe together.  It's easier that way.  I bathe Clara first and I always let her end her bath with splash time.  She sits up after being scrubbed down and looks between her feet and pats the water.  She loves it.

Tonight Lxkas was sitting next to her and  lightly splashed along with her, but minding his own water territory.  He is twice her size, but with their wet, dark hair and smooth, brown skin they were equals in their love of the water and it was a beautiful sibling moment.  I wished I had a camera handy but I don't even think it could have come close to doing the moment justice.

new job

Yes, I have joined the ranks of the employed working as a temporary social worker for the state.  It will last at least four more weeks but I have an interview at the end of the month for a permanent position.  I want it bad.

letter to him

After work today I had an appointment with my therapist.  She is concerned that I'm bottling my pain.  She suggested I either write him a letter (but not to deliver, of course) or talk to a chair in which he is pretend seated.  I told her I didn't think I could pull off a Clint Eastwood but that I would give the letter a go.  I'm going to try and accomplish that task this weekend and post it here.  I think I might have a lot to say.

are you a princess?

I was changing the sheets on the bed a bit ago and Lxkas was in my room doing what Lxkas does (getting into things he shouldn't), and he saw a jeweled crown his dad had purchased from Bath and Body Works for my birthday last year to compliment some lotions.  He asked, "Are you a princess, Mommy?"

"Yes," I said.  "Mommy is a princess."

I recently removed someone from my Facebook friends list because he made a racist remark.  I don't draw anymore lines to be crossed for racists.  If you're racist you're out of my circle.

But what led to that remark was a photo he posted of his shopping cart while he was in line at the supermarket.  I commented that I also liked Grape Nuts.  What I didn't realize until some comments following mine was that his photo was not meant to capture what was in his cart, but what he assumed about the people in line ahead of him.

In the photo caption he remarked he was glad he worked and was able to pay for his own food.  The comments conversation evolved into a discussion about the people ahead of him, who he and the other commentors assumed were purchasing their food through welfare.  I argued with him that sometimes people find themselves in situations they aren't prepared to be in, and he commented that if he had to shovel shit at the kennel he would because he was better than any person that took government handouts.

Okay.  He is entitled to that opinion.  He and I obviously don't see eye to eye.  I didn't like his stance on the subject, but I can't agree with everyone, and I usually agree with very few in this state.  Then he likened what he saw to an episode of Good Times and that's when I unchecked the "friends" box.

Well, I'm glad he is no longer a Facebook friend, or real friend for that matter, since I now find myself relying on government assistance to make ends meet.  Yes, it's nice when you find yourself in a situation where you need employment immediately and you can hop right into another job because you don't have to arrange for daycare, or because you can accept any shift because you're not responsible to minors in the evening when child care centers are closed.  It's nice when your children are grown and you are responsible for no one but yourself, because you have a lot more freedom to choose.  It's nice when you're a man and there are an abundance of manufacturing jobs available to you, and because of your physique there are more opportunities period.  I don't have all of those luxuries.  My opportunities are less than half of that, but I'm trying.

I'm not proud of my situation.  In fact, I'm a little ashamed.  But I'm also ashamed of how I got here even if the fault is not my own.  I don't offer information on my situation to anyone but my family.  I've been in this situation for going on a month now but I feel like work is on the horizon.  I have some good leads and good people who are rooting for me.  I just have to have patience.