Anger

Regarding my update last night, I guess I should have waited at least one more day to update.  Last night all was wonderful and my baby girl was doing so well.  Today I find out there could be new signs of trouble.

I'm angry.  I'm pissed.  But I have no one to be pissed at.  Who do I blame for this?  If I was a religious person the obvious answer would be God.  It's tempting to become religious just so I can lay that blame.

I haven't even cried yet.  I want to and I can feel it's in there, but I have to stay strong, or at least appear to stay strong.

Clara's platelet levels are high.  Normal is 150-450.  Her's are at 517.  But that's not the sign of trouble, because as of right now I have no idea what that means.  The hematologist wasn't in today.  She may want to see Clara back sooner than three months.  I guess they will call me if they do.

Our second appointment of the day was with the cardiologist.  That woman.  She makes me mad just because of who she is.  As she explains Clara's diagnosis to me she closes her eyes as if she's flying high on drugs.  It's annoying.  I don't know if she values Clara's life because of a question she asked me on our first visit.  I've dreaded seeing her again, and then she goes and delivers us bad news.

She begins by telling me the right side of Clara's heart is still slightly enlarged.  Still?  I'd never even heard this!  But she says it's nothing to worry about.  I have nothing to worry about.  And then she tells me the echo-cardiogram showed pressure from Clara's lungs.  This could be pulmonary hypertension developing.  I ask what that would mean and she replies it would be bad.  But 2 minutes ago she told me I have nothing to worry about--there's nothing to worry about.

But, the pulmonary hypertension is something to worry about.

She wants to see Clara back in three months for another echo-cardiogram.  If the pressure is still there then the next step would be to put a catheter in her legs and go up to her lungs to verify the high blood pressure in her lungs.  If it's verified they would go ahead and perform surgery to close the hole in Clara's heart, which, by the way, hasn't gotten any smaller.

The hole in her heart and the pulmonary hypertension are supposedly unrelated.  However, the hole makes the PH worse because of the extra blood it lets into her lungs which adds pressure to the already existing pressure (at least, that's the way I understand it).  Also, once they close the hole there's a chance the PH could go away.  If they are unrelated this doesn't make sense to me.

It also doesn't make sense to me that the right side of her heart is enlarged and from my super-fast-self-education via Google this afternoon, that is a symptom of pulmonary hypertension.  What if she already has it?  Why are we waiting three months to take care of this?  I'm not really down with that.

Clara's 4-month check-up is on the 10th.  I'm going to go over this with her pediatrician and maybe he can make things happen fast for us.

I have serious concerns about this.

Now, I have to go feed a fussy baby.