I'm in preparation mode.  I'm preparing my office for use again, as a working studio/office (and belive me, there's a lot of work to do).  I'm preparing the bedroom for the new baby (again... a lot of work to do).  And I'm tgrying to get the house back to something I would actually call clean.  Working full time for as long as I have lived here and being mom to two active and now three active, coming on four active children (I'm not sure the grown one counts, but he does still live here) doesn't lend itself to being a successful homemaker without some hired help.  Anyway, not for me.  And yes, I'm full of excuses as to why my home is in such a disarray!  But by God, it might take some time but I will get there.  And at the pace I'm moving this may take longer than my planned week.

And poor little Luk-bear.  Everywhere I go in the house, he is trailing behind me with his chaos maker.  With the wave of his hand, anything that may have been tidy, or in a state of pleasant peacefulness is suddenly transformed into a spilled over mess.  This does set me back. 

However, I had a list of goals for today I made last night.  And as I look at that list now, it looks like everythinhg on my list was accomplished, save for paying bills, but that comes after I blog.

There were also 2 things marked "other," one of which has been accomplished and the other I can do this evening.  So by the end of this day I will have accomplished all of my goals. 

There was a powwow in the mix, but it's wet and cold outdoors so we didn't make that.  Had we gone, I doubt I would be feeling near as successful.

I've been reading some photography articles.  I want to brush up on my photography skills and work toward just being good at it.  Not professional; just good.  This may help me in finding ideas for paintings.  It also gets me closer  to my state of self-rediscovery and personal renaissance. 

I'm learning that things are going to take time.

My first full day home unemployed and I didn't follow my ren sched.  Of course, I really don't plan to put myself on the new schedule until I'm a full week unemployed.  There's so much to do around the house.  Everything needs to be perfect and pleasant.  It's a creative block thing with me.

Plus, my day started early with doctor appointments.  First was the perinatologist at 8 am, and then after my visit with her I was late for the obstetrician. 

If I'd had any hope left that Clara's condition was misdiagnosed, today totally destroyed that.  And I have to admit, even though I tried not to have that hope I did have that hope.  I tell myself that I have accepted that my daughter will have Down syndrome, but now and then there will be that dream that pops up:  It's the day she's born, and she's healthy and beautiful and she looks just like her brother--the doctor's and their tests were wrong and Clara doesn't possess extra chromosomes. 

But after today, I know that the part of the dream where she doesn't have extra chromosomes won't be the  case.  It's interesting that I learn a lot more from the ultrasound technician than I do the perinatologist.  Probably because we spend a good hour together looking in on Clara and discussing her measurements and movements (she's always very active during ultrasounds).  Then the ultrasound technician leaves, and the doctor comes in to voice any concerns, which to this point, aside from the diagnosis itself, there have been no concerns.  In that respect we are lucky.  A Down syndrome baby can have all kinds of problems ranging from heart defects to intestinal obstructions.  So far, Clara looks to be in the clear. 

As the visit with the technician came to a close we reviewed all of the measurements she had taken.  Since my last visit Clara was starting to fall behind on the growth charts.  All measurements combined, she is now in the 25th percentile for 31 weeks, or a few days behind where she should be gestationally.  However, her limbs fall even further behind, with her legs measuring at 28 weeks and her arms at 27 weeks.  When I expressed my concern about her shortened arms the tech assured me that I wasn't going to notice when she was born.  That really wasn't the point of my concern, but I couldn't tell her that it was how real it had just become.  Not only does Clara have Ds, she will have the physical symptoms of Ds. 

But I'm thankful she appears healthy.  Now we start our weekly visits so they can more closely monitor her home stretch, just in case she finds she needs to come to the world a bit earlier.   I do feel my little girl is in good hands.

In other news of the day, we finally got some snow.  But, it has melted as quickly as it came down. 

Also, I'm going to miss this laptop I'm currently using.  It belongs to work and I need to return it and my iPhone this weekend.  I won't miss the iPhone.  I got a Samsung Galaxy S III. 

That was the title of my final farewell email: Check Out. I've been anticipating this day and it couldn't come soon enough. Actually, it was supposed to come a couple of weeks later; originally, by now, but requested a couple of weeks later. But, I couldn't wait any longer. The chapter of my life that held that career for nearly seven years had closed and staying was holding me back. I have plans.

Check Out. I left a long list of items that needed care. They were supposed to have found a replacement by now. I don't feel guilty because they dragged their feet. But they have clear directions to keep that department moving in the interim. At least I provided that. And then I was gone. Yes, I checked out way back in November. Didn't you notice? Nobody noticed that I'd lost hold and control of my life. I can't believe nobody noticed.

As I hit "send" I was overtaken by tears and disbelief in myself. I questioned my sanity for leaving a career I had worked hard to build. I had given nearly 7 years to this company. It was a company I had once strongly believed in but had grown to hate. I had just never had enough reason to leave before. And then, mid-November, I suddenly had the kicker I needed, and my list hit 5 good reasons.

And now I am officially unemployed. I can't remember how this is supposed to feel. Have I ever really been unemployed in my adult life before? Will the next 8 months be me sailing? Or will I rediscover myself?

What I'm hoping for is a personal renaissance. I want to be a renaissance woman. My plans include everything I enjoy, including my young children, one who is still 2 months away from greeting this world.  I've even created a daily schedule so I'm sure to leave nothing out.

Life unexpectedly brought me pain, but I'm hoping to turn it to joy.

And now, I'm free. And still, I question that statement.